Firsts

Last weekend, Mia and Ava participated in their First Reconciliation.  As part of the preparation for this sacrament and their First Communions later this year, the three of us attend monthly classes.  To my surprise, sharing this experience with them has been something for which I'm very grateful.  The way they process and respond to new information is both fascinating and challenging.  For our family, we have to find the right balance of letting them form their own ideas and beliefs, while encouraging them to think critically about what is being taught. On this particular day, I had the opportunity to support the girls as they shared their anxious feelings about confession.  Parents were asked to take a turn in the confessional, as well, and I just wasn't sure if I wanted to do that.  As we waited for their turn, Ava, who tends to always follow Mia's lead, bravely announced that she would go first.  I made a big deal about how proud I was of her and knew, in that moment, that I had to be brave, too.  Luckily for me, my turn started out unconventionally, as the priest questioned if I was a parent and asked my age, which made it all seem less formal.  After I said what I wanted to say, he responded by asking me how I feel about grace. I told him it was my favorite thing and knew I was exactly where I needed to be. Sharing this experience with my girls really was a gift.

 Ava wanted to stay behind the curtain, which certainly fits her personality

 I loved watching Mia's expressions as she spoke and listened

We did it

Our other "first" to share is that the girls slept at my new house for the first time last night.  Renovations may not be complete, but I'm moved in enough that a sleepover was possible. 

They are so excited about bunk beds

We may not have everything here, but a few toys, snacks and Netflix were all we needed. The girls asked how I knew how to get Netflix on my computer and I responded by saying it's magic.  Eliana, looked at me, held up her arm for a fist bump and said "girl power".  While I don't love the term, as I want my girls to live in a world where power isn't binary, my littlest lady recognizing that this isn't magic, but power made my night.

Over the past two months, there have been so many opportunities to learn and fail.  I've done both.

I don't consider the end of my marriage a failure.  The failure was in not knowing what we were going to need as adults when we began our relationship at the age of 16.  I can accept that.

Our girls deserve to be put first.  At times, I've inadvertently let them see the stress and emotions that accompany such a big decision.  I've learned to make sacrifices in order to ensure that they are protected through this transition.

I realize that I was guilty of isolating myself on an island where I take on more than I should and rarely accept or ask for help.  I learned you can't create an island for yourself and then expect someone else's love and appreciation to easily reach you. It isn't fair and it doesn't work.

I learned that I have the most amazing friends and family.  They showed up and I let them in.  I should have done that a long time ago.

I haven't and won't fall apart.  There are parts of this that are hard and sad and present plenty of unknowns, but having the support and resources necessary to separate our lives requires me to be grateful.  

I learned that every aspect of my life doesn't need to be perfectly planned.  I've focused only on necessary things like shared parenting agreements, a new home and new routines.  I'm letting everything else unfold in its own time. There might just be a future in front of me that is better than anything I could have planned...